Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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