when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Randomize
