im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Help. Why am I so naked?
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