I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
