Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
