The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
