The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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