; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is it because I queefed?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
