this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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