Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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