Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
