we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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