the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
