I'm so fucking centered right now
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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