Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
