Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
