You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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