Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
