sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
