I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
