I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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