She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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