Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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