he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
