i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
