I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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