She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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