I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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