I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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