I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
