party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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