Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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