I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
