Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
