I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
