It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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