It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
