My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
