I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
