We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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