Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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