Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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