The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
