dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
