either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
