Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
