Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
