He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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