I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
