so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
