I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
