made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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