so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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