oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
