my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
