apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
