There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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