mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
