my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
