Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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