If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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