Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
