Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
