I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
