i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
